a little bummed...

First I wan't to apologize for however blogger manages to botch up the formatting of this post ;) I've been having bad luck with Blogger lately.

I'm sitting here watching reruns of America's Top Model on VH1 and I'm watching
the 4th Japanese episode. At first I was expecting it to be lame with a bunch of
cliche foreigners tearing through town making a fool of themselves but that
wasn't exactly the case. After spending their first night in a businessman's
hotel which consists of a bunch of cubicles roughly the size of coffins and
lockers to put your shoes and other belongings in, they had the opportunity to
stay in a traditional Japanese home. For one of their challenges they donned a
Kimono and learned the ins and outs of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. The winner and
a friend were able to go to one of the hot springs outside of Tokyo to
experience the ultimate relaxation. To top it all off they learned about Tokyo
street fashion and the all-to-popular Harajuku girls, then posed on a motorcycle
in the middle of Shibuya.

As I watched these episodes I found my self a little jealous and nostalgic and
longed to recapture that first time feeling here in Japan. I wouldn't say I'm
jaded because I find myself taking in the moment and taking mental snapshots of
new sights and experiences on a daily basis but at the same time I feel the urge
to move on. Next year I will be able to say that my time spent in Japan tied
with North Carolina as far as living in one place for the longest time since I
moved from New York to California in high school. North Carolina wasn't exactly
home to me but I began to feel very comfortable in that area and sometimes I
find myself wanting to go back there just to recapture that sense of familiarity
and comfort. After spending 3 years in Japan, not once have I felt at home or
comfortable. Not once have I arrived home from work and exhaled. Some days when
I go out in town I am just too exhausted to play the role of the knowledgeable,
always courteous resident of Japan so instead I just play the smiling and
nodding gaijin and put on that blank stare so store employees and others won't
want to engage with me because to be honest, sometimes the stress of not messing
up, whether it is language or customs and courtesies is just plain Exhausting.
How I wish I could come into a lot of money so I could leave my job and family
for a month or two, fly up to Tokyo and just immerse myself in 5 star hotels and
just be a tourist to regain my spirit. I think I'm just bitter because I haven't
been home, wherever that really is, in 3 years.

Then there was that one girl, the tallest of the bunch that was frustrated
because while shopping for a clothing shoot, she quickly discovers that Japanese
clothing lines, while occasionally forgiving for those of us who are a little
tubby, don't make clothes for taller foreigners. I felt her pain and it reminded
me of another reason I would like to go home: to be able to buy clothes that are
cute and fit at the same time. I'm only 5'5'' and Japanese jeans come up to
somewhere between the bottom of my calf and slightly above the top of my ankle.
Japanese shirts don't take into account boobage. If you are bigger than a B cup,
you can just forget it. This especially sucks because I've really grown to love
or at least "get" Japanese style over the years.

Every day I realize how lucky I am to be living in Japan and working on their
economy and I'm not trying to sound unappreciative. I guess I'm just tired.
Whether what I really need is a change, I have no idea.